Secondary Infertility: Fun For No One

5 Sep

This morning, as I was getting my little slowpoke ready for school, he told me all about the dream he had last night, which involved him getting a second mother, and several siblings. Two brothers and a sister, to be precise. He described them in detail throughout our morning preparations, including the drive to school.

I finally jumped in and said, “Danny, you’re not getting another mommy. I’m it.”

He immediately countered with his best friend, who has two mommies.

I explained that her mommy and daddy were divorced, and her daddy got married again. And that daddy and I are not getting divorced.

“Great,” he said, and started crying. “I’ll never get a brother or sister.”

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It’s really, really hard to not feel guilty at times like this. I know, rationally, that it’s not my fault, that Danny probably likes the idea of a sibling much more than he would the reality, that he’ll be fine.

But reason only gets you so far. The rest of me is crying on the inside with him. I’m one of four, Ken is one of five. I love my siblings fiercely. My sister is my best friend. My brother is my role model. And my oldest sister is my hero, the bravest person I know. I can’t imagine life without any of them.

I want to give Daniel that. And it hurts, it hurts so bad, that I can’t.

The one thing that makes me feel better, at times like these, is my cousin Jim. My aunt raised him on her own, and did a fantastic job. She empathizes with my situation, and says she always wanted more kids. She said she talked about it with Jim one time. He said, “Are you kidding? I love being an only child.” My aunt worked really hard to provide for him, and the two of them have traveled just about everywhere. I think they’ve been to every major league ballpark. It works, and they’re happy.

So I’m going to try to not feel guilty. Instead of a sibling, I’m going to give Danny a passport. I will focus on the things we do have, instead of the things we don’t. He may not have brothers and sisters, but he has cousins and friends.

I can’t promise it will be easy, I can’t promise it won’t suck sometimes, but, we will make it work.

I like this better than Danny’s solution, which was, “Well, when are you and Daddy going to get divorced?” Nice try, kiddo.

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