Just Keep Swimming…

3 Apr

I feel like I’m drowning. There aren’t enough hours in the day, or days in the week, for me to stay on top of things. I am drowning in housework, work work, and other work. The laundry has become Sisyphus’ boulder. The two jobs are eating at me, taking chunks of energy and free time. I’m starting to forget what my husband looks like.

And I’m drowning in babies. Facebook, work, friends…. pregnant women are everywhere. I know, rationally, that their successes are not tied, directly or indirectly, to my failures. But, now that we have no more options, the failure hurts even more. Before, I could lie to myself, saying “One day that will be me.” I can’t do that anymore. It would cost a minimum of 12000 to continue with IVF. Surrogacy or adoption would be even more. We just don’t have that kind of money, and I’m starting to think we never will.

I’m trying to keep my eye on the Australia prize. I’m trying to keep my head above water. I’m trying to at least draw a deep breath.

But I still feel like I’m drowning,

The only break I get right now, and it’s a huge one, is Danny. I still worry all the time that I’m not a good enough mother. But, every night, we read a chapter in a chapter book. We sit on my bed, an island in the sea of laundry threatening to overtake the room, and we read. We finished Dr Doolittle and Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, and we’re now working our way through Superfudge. It is the best feeling, having him snuggled up beside me, and hearing his Danny-giggle.

I have to remember what Danny told me. He solemnly informed me the other day that, when you’re caught in a current, don’t swim against it. Swim parallel to shore, and eventually you’ll make it.

Or, as Dory says, Just keep swimming…. Just keep swimming…

We’ll get there, kiddo. Now learn how to do your own laundry before Mama has an aneurysm.


Mr Sassy Pose, on Easter

3 Responses to “Just Keep Swimming…”

  1. Nancy Caddigan April 3, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    Enjoy those giggles and snuggles. Precious moment to always remember. Too soon they will be only a memory. Cherish what you HAVE!

  2. bookwormmommy2013 April 7, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

    I never know if it is helpful to share this or not when others mention the RIDICULOUS costs of IVF, so I will in case it is. We also thought IVF was far out of reach-especially as I am 37, so saving for years isn’t an option. Anyway, when researching financing, I stumbled in this thread ( http://ivf.ca/forums/topic/23329-ivf-in-mexico/ ) and am now two weeks away from my first IVF in Cancun. I’m paying $6900 for everything-including meds. Wishing you luck either way!

  3. sohobbes April 8, 2013 at 7:14 pm #

    Thank you so much! I will definitely look into it.

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