I can’t think of a witty title. Sorry.

19 May

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve updated. A really long time. I apologize, and, I explain.

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First of all, I have a small confession to make. When I first started this blog, it was with the faint hope that, eventually, I would be blogging about our solution to our infertility crisis. I was hoping that I would be able to figure out what direction I was going in (no thanks to the GPS) and blog about a successful result.

Unfortunately, the GPS is as lost as it ever was. Seriously – the other week it told me I was driving into Lake Michigan. (Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.) I was stopped at a red light on Lower Wacker Drive, and I watched the little arrow representing my car drive further and further into the lake. After double checking that there were no fish in the car and that I wasn’t losing my mind, I yelled at the GPS. “That’s not where I am! That’s not where I’m going!” Also, “Are you drunk? Do you need an intervention?”

Oh, metaphors. They are so darn clunky and heavy sometimes. But they’re also true.

Back in December, I got my hopes up. I thought I found a solution and I was eagerly mentally composing an update, a solution. An acquaintance from high school was spreading the word on Facebook about an infant with special needs that needed adopting. I can do that! I can totally do that! Work, income, obligations, what are those? I want this baby! I can take good care of this baby! I am actually uniquely qualified to take care of this baby! Sign me up!

It didn’t work out, for a variety of reasons. Some are still too painful to get into here.

‘But that’s December,’ you say. ‘What happened since then?’

While I was busy looking for a special needs child, it turned out there was one a lot closer to home. Dun dun dunn…. ominous music….

Daniel has always struggled with regulating his emotions, with his fine motor skills, and with chewing on things he’s not supposed to. We shrugged it off for the longest time. “He’ll outgrow that.” “He’s just tired.” “Maybe he was just really really hungry?” We knew he was smart – my goodness, the things he says sometimes blow me away. And kindergarten and first grade were a breeze for him. We got the occasional concerned phone call – “Daniel’s eating wood chips.” “Daniel’s fine motor skills need work.” – and we didn’t brush them off, exactly, but we didn’t worry.

Then the second grade hammer dropped. His grades plummeted. His anxiety skyrocketed. And he was eating things that weren’t food. We took him to his pediatrician, we met with his school, we got him tested, we found a psychologist we love. He is not on the spectrum – my main concern – but he does have ADHD and Pica. And we struggled. Do we keep him at the same private school? Switch to a public school where he might have more resources? Keep him at the school where he’s comfortable but is back in our old neighborhood or bring him closer to home? Continue to work full time or is there a part time slot available? Counseling, occupational therapy, IEPs, homework battles – it’s been just a little busy.

So to deal with the stress, I started exercising more. And pushing myself more. And more. And my foot started hurting. Like, really hurting. Like crying uncontrollably kind of hurting. So I was in an air cast for three weeks while my foot tried to heal. The air cast came off on a Wednesday. That Saturday, Daniel went down our attic stairs in a laundry basket (wheeeeeeeeee!) and ended up in an air cast of his very own. So our string of injuries has also continued.

Daniel is doing a lot better with school, though. The strategies seem to be working. He’s trying really really hard. He made his First Communion in May, he wants to try out for the local swim club, he’s a happy, healthy, (mostly) normal kid, looking forward to the summer.

… And that’s where we are now. I’d like to think we’re on the right track, but I also feel like I am actually driving in the middle of a lake. The lake of insecurity, of doubt, of fear, of not knowing what to do next. It’s kind of rough in here. Whatever’s next, I hope it’s good.

 

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