Just can’t seem to get it right today*

18 Aug

*Or, more specifically, these past three days. Today, Monday, makes the third failure in three days. Doubled up with two on Saturday, had none Sunday, and had a face-slapping one today. As I’ve said before, if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

Failure #1: Don’t Trust Mental Patients

The back story for this one goes back quite a while. About 8 weeks ago, to be precise. In the second, better hospital. I was talking with one of the fellow patients one evening, and telling her about our infertility struggles and how they really deepen my depression. Somehow the conversation led to her telling me not to worry, that I would get pregnant. She gave an exact date, too – six weeks from my release. I filed it away at the time as “Ok, that was weird,” especially since I didn’t know when I would be getting out. Once I was sprung, on a whim, I looked up the dates. Six weeks from that day would be two weeks from my next expected period. Sure enough, that period came right on time, and so two weeks later, we put some John Legend on and lit some candles. Just in case.

About a week later, I started feeling really, really sick. I was constantly dizzy and light headed. The thought of food disgusted me. If I did eat, the nausea would become so overpowering I would have to lie down. Either that or gag fruitlessly in the toilet. Not wanting to get our hopes up too much, we started referring to it as “the prophecy.” It was easier to make light of it that way, but that candle of hope started burning really, really brightly. Smells started bothering me. My lower belly felt full, but not cramping. I started really believing the prophecy and started getting really excited.

And then the fullness feeling stopped. The constant nausea and dizziness continued, but the bad cramping started up. And I knew that the “prophecy” was just cruelly and futilely getting my hopes up, but I held onto it.

Until Saturday morning, when my period came. Lesson learned: don’t trust fellow mental patients and their prophecies. 

Failure #2: I Am Not An Athlete, and Sunscreen Is Important.

For some reason, I have this delusion that I am a fairly decent athlete. So when the younger kids came around and asked people to sign up for the office softball tournament, I joined. I somehow had it in my head that I would be an asset to the team. This despite the fact that the last real softball game I played was an intramural game in college where my friend Mark was completely drunk but managed to hit the ball – and promptly ran straight to 3rd base. I conveniently forgot all the times I was chosen dead last in softball tournaments as a child. I overlooked the fact that I am horribly accident prone.

And I completely forgot about wearing sunscreen.

So I looked like this.

So I looked like this.

I was assigned to second base and could only stop the ball with my legs, resulting in a huge bruise on my right shin. My batting average was dismal, helped by the rule that if you walked a guy, the next girl in the batting lineup automatically got to walk. I did get one base hit. But other than that, I was terrible. I kept apologizing to my teammates, but they took it in stride. They even let Daniel play left field. So, despite being a technical failure, we still managed to have a good time.

World's Cutest Little Left Fielder

World’s Cutest Little Left Fielder

My (very patient) team

My (very patient) team

And now, today, Failure #3: Always Double Check Your Groupons.

About a month ago, I booked a Groupon for a storytelling class. I was really excited about it, and wrote down the date on my monthly calendar and put a reminder in my phone. August 18th, I can remember that. I can do that. I am really excited about that.

It was August 11th.

And Groupon won’t refund my money or even give me credit for another Groupon. To be fair, this is completely my own fault. But I was really looking forward to going tonight and now I’m super bummed.

The good news after all this? I’ve always been told that bad things come in threes. So I’m due for some really awesome stuff to happen. Overdue, even. Send suggestions on how to cheer myself up, and also some aloe because my arms really hurt from this damn sunburn.

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